Friends I am broken. This year has flat out sucked. Plain and simple it has sucked. I thought after surgery I would just deal with the feelings of never being able to have a baby, but the emotions are so much deeper. I ask you to not judge me and to not criticize with my blog I'm about to write. I ask you just keep me in your prayers and you embrace my honesty.
What so many of you don't know about me is my dark, emotional, mood swinging side that has surfaced since January. Why is it the person you love the most is the person you hurt the most? Casey, my sweet boyfriend and love of my life, has been my rock throughout all of this. However, he has remained silent about how hard times have been. He never knows the mood I will be in, what will make me snap, what to say, and the most heartbreaking of all... Who i am. Unfortunately right now I'm not the person he fell in love with, but he stays because he truly, deeply and completely loves me.
Hormones... I guess you can say that's what this blog is about. They are scary. Women everywhere are dealing with this awful "symptom" and it's scary!!!! It sucks! It's a disease that has taken over our body. In the last year I have dealt with feelings I never have experienced . Suicidal thoughts, no I'm not suicidal, but when your hormones get the best of you the thought goes through your mind, crying all the time, anger, feeling like you have lost control of everything and of course feeling unattached. Never did I think hormones could be such a beast. Never did I think my hormones would be the devil in my relationship. However it's real, and these feelings are real. It's crazy how one day you wake up one person and the next you wake up feeling like someone else. There are days I feel like I have no idea what happened that day because I'm so dazed and unattached. Days I feel like I live 2 different lives. In front of everyone I'm bubbly and all is good, then I get home and I'm angry, and sad and bitter. Poor Casey is right! Can you imagine living with me? Neither can I and I feel guilty all the time! So now I pray harder than I ever have before. I pray that I will fight this and I won't let this craziness ruin my life. Ladies you aren't alone! If you are feeling anything like this just know you aren't alone!! We can get through this! Our God is so much bigger than all of this and he is putting us through this because he knows we have it! So let's support and love each other. No judgement, no criticism, just pure love!
Please don't judge my blog and know that I wrote it with a humble and pure heart❤️
Ok so I just want to start by telling you thank you for posting this... You are definitely such a strong woman for this... I've never had Someone else be able to describe the things I was going through or the things I was feeling... It can seriously be a struggle every day to go through this and I've been dealing with the same things for a while just as you have. Yes are situations are a little different because of your surgery. But I deal with the same feelings....... Especially the feeling of being alone. I've seriously thought at some points that I just might be going crazy or something or that maybe I'm just not normal. Lol but it really makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one....... It's sucked because I've pushed away so many people that I love... And I feel like sometimes I don't have control of myself and my own mind. But I just wanted to thank you for posting this because I've been praying and praying and PRAYING about this and I've been feeling more lonely than ever and I guess this is gods way of giving me a little light and telling me I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. Stay strong Brittany god has a plan for you and lives you dearly. And wether you see it or not... Gods light shines through you even on your bad days!
ReplyDeleteI had those horrible hormones during the change. I hated everybody. Could not stand being around people. My co-workers would take turns if they had to come into my office because they didn't want to be on the receiving end of what I might say or do. I would get up every morning and cry. I did not even know myself anymore. I eventually took anti-depressants and they helped. You might need to talk to your Dr. about trying something. Mine eventually went away or I got use to them. I still have bouts of anger and depression, but it's manageable now. Not saying my going through the change is anything like what yours is, you have more to deal with than I did. But know your have tons of friends that love you. And you have sweet Casey. Benny and I survived because I wanted a divorce back during those days. Glad we did.
ReplyDeleteYou need to add brave to that list of things that describe you! Your honesty is applauded and respected! Love you!
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