Broken... Weak... But faithful

Do you ever just feel like you get in a lull and sad for quite some time. I feel so vulnerable for this blog and that makes me so nervous for some reason. I'm one of those women that tries to always be strong and not break down. Well blog followers, your catching me at on an early morning and in a weak moment.

I'm so sad... I'm so broken and I'm so devastated that I can't have a baby. I don't want sympathy, I don't want anything, I just needed to let it out. IM SO SO SAD! Seems like lately it's all I think about. If I see a baby I wonder what mine would have looked like. I wonder what pregnancy would have been like to feel a baby grow inside me and the bond we would have had. I'm so bothered with people telling me it's ok honey, you can adopt. Yes, I know I can and I'm so thankful and excited about adoption being my future, but it doesn't take this pain away! I'm so tired of women who can pop babies out like tic tacs telling me that it's not a big deal. I'm not meaning this blog to be harsh and I'm so so sorry if it is, I just need to let it out. 

I think more than anything I'm so angry I can't see straight. I thought as the months went on it would get easier, but it's getting so much harder. I have let it consume me and I strongly believe that is me allowing the devil to work in my life and that's my fault! I have let my selfishness make my heart cold. I truly am excited about the baby I someday will adopt, I truly truly am. At the end of the day the part that hurts the worse is knowing I will never be a child's birth mom. I will never be their only mom.... I have cried countless nights and days to Casey and he probably thinks I'm in the middle of a nervous break down. Why is being a woman so hard? Our emotions, and let's not talk about the hormones!! I went to the dr the other day to get on some different medicine and told her to please let me feel like myself again! I seriously feel like I woke up after surgery a different person. It's absolutely insane and makes me feel crazy!!! Men have no idea what us as women endure haha!!

Thank y'all for reading my blog and I truly didn't mean to hurt anyone if I did. I just needed to let it out and honestly I'm vulnerable for the women who are going through the exact same thing I am. I just want you to know it's ok, your not alone. I'm praying for all of you who are fighting your own battle no matter what it may be. Thank y'all for the love and support you always show. 

My truth... My testimony

I can't believe I haven't blogged in almost 2 months. Trust me, it's not because I have nothing to say haha!! Lately I have just really tried to not blame myself and focus on my relationship with God. It's so crazy how things work out, and then you look back and think.... So that's why that happened. I guess you can say this is my testimony... It's just me opening up my story to all of you. I want y'all to know your not alone with your fears, thoughts and the process.

For those of you who don't know, I was married. No need to go into detail, just a piece of my life I wanted to share. The last year we were married I was hanging on by a thread and In my own selfishness I thought having a baby was going to fix our issues... And make us happy. I wasn't getting pregnant naturally, so I started infertility. Chlomid, shots, and tons of tests every month is what I did for 6 months. I drove to Austin weekly to have everything checked out and every month they would up my dosage and every month there was another negative pregnancy test. Every month my heart was broken because I yearned for a child. Then the day came, I still remember it like it was yesterday.. It was a Thursday evening... A young lady who I knew in the church called and said her best friend was pregnant and wanted to put the baby up for adoption, she thought of me and wanted to see if I would meet the young mother. I of course accepted and we planned to meet her the following week on Saturday. All week I put together a scrap book of our life and our family and friends, wanting this mom to pick me to be her unborn child's mom. Wednesday I began feeling different, can't quite explain it, I just knew something was going on in my body. Thursday night I went and pulled from my pregnancy test stash and took one, thinking it would be negative like all the others had. However it wasn't, it came up pregnant, so I took another and another and then went to the dollar store and bought 2 more packs, my dream had came true, I was pregnant. I called my mom and dad and got to give them the news they had always dreamed about, "your going to he grandparents!" I felt like my life was complete because I was going to be a mom. I was so sad though because the young girl we were suppose to meet would have to start all over. I called and told her the very next day, and as hard as it was, she was so sweet and shared such kind words. The following Monday I contacted my fertility clinic and told them no more appointments, I was pregnant!!! They said I still wasn't done  since I was on fertility drugs I had to do a series of tests. Never did I think it would lead to what it did. I went in for blood work Tuesday morning and that afternoon I got the call... The nurse said yes you are going to lose the baby in a couple of days. My heart dropped. One minute I'm thinking of names and planning the next 9 months and the next I'm being told I'm going to have a miscarriage. I called dr Stewart and he said we are staying positive because your levels can get better each day. I had blood work done on Wednesday, Thursday Friday and then met with him. I knew when he walked in the room it wasn't good. I was going to have a miscarriage sometime over the weekend and I did, I had a miscarriage exactly a week before Mother's Day. Since my hysterectomy I have blamed myself for so much. Thinking that because I got a divorce this is my punishment. However, I now see so much more and am so thankful for Gods plan for me. God knew my marriage wasn't right and I'm so thankful I didn't have to bring a child through divorce. I might have never met Casey who is my world now. Our God is so much bigger than what we could even imagine and we learn that in our own time.