Broken... Weak... But faithful

Do you ever just feel like you get in a lull and sad for quite some time. I feel so vulnerable for this blog and that makes me so nervous for some reason. I'm one of those women that tries to always be strong and not break down. Well blog followers, your catching me at on an early morning and in a weak moment.

I'm so sad... I'm so broken and I'm so devastated that I can't have a baby. I don't want sympathy, I don't want anything, I just needed to let it out. IM SO SO SAD! Seems like lately it's all I think about. If I see a baby I wonder what mine would have looked like. I wonder what pregnancy would have been like to feel a baby grow inside me and the bond we would have had. I'm so bothered with people telling me it's ok honey, you can adopt. Yes, I know I can and I'm so thankful and excited about adoption being my future, but it doesn't take this pain away! I'm so tired of women who can pop babies out like tic tacs telling me that it's not a big deal. I'm not meaning this blog to be harsh and I'm so so sorry if it is, I just need to let it out. 

I think more than anything I'm so angry I can't see straight. I thought as the months went on it would get easier, but it's getting so much harder. I have let it consume me and I strongly believe that is me allowing the devil to work in my life and that's my fault! I have let my selfishness make my heart cold. I truly am excited about the baby I someday will adopt, I truly truly am. At the end of the day the part that hurts the worse is knowing I will never be a child's birth mom. I will never be their only mom.... I have cried countless nights and days to Casey and he probably thinks I'm in the middle of a nervous break down. Why is being a woman so hard? Our emotions, and let's not talk about the hormones!! I went to the dr the other day to get on some different medicine and told her to please let me feel like myself again! I seriously feel like I woke up after surgery a different person. It's absolutely insane and makes me feel crazy!!! Men have no idea what us as women endure haha!!

Thank y'all for reading my blog and I truly didn't mean to hurt anyone if I did. I just needed to let it out and honestly I'm vulnerable for the women who are going through the exact same thing I am. I just want you to know it's ok, your not alone. I'm praying for all of you who are fighting your own battle no matter what it may be. Thank y'all for the love and support you always show.