Normalcy....what is that?

I'm sitting here typing and I can't believe I'm actually becoming a blogger. Well, I'm going to attempt it! Why did I start a blog? I want to one day have peace, i want to not be angry, or sad, and I want to help women who have the same struggles as I do every single day. With that..this is my journey

At the age of 13 I began having very serious female problems on a regular basis. I had my first of 8 surgeries...a DNC at 13. No, I wasn't pregnant..I just had cycles that would last 6 months. As the years went on, my problems would get even worse. I would go to doctor to doctor, and they looked at me like I was crazy. They didn't believe the pain I was telling them about. I would get so sick I would pass out, I missed school, and work, but the doctors still didn't believe me. Finally after sending me to a local Dr, we started finding out what was wrong. I had endometriosis as well as cysts that would continually rupture causing pain. This all was discovered 4 years ago and from then i averaged 2 surgeries a year. My mom was my best friend, she gave me hope that one day I would be pain free, and one day I would have a child. This past year I kept it in, the feeling of being in excruciating pain every single day. In June of last year I had cysts removed and my endometriosis scraped. My Dr told me he couldn't keep taking me into the OR, my body couldn't handle it. Every night I prayed that I would wake up and this pain would be gone. My boyfriend,Casey, my mom and I went to fertility clinics to talk about my options. There was just always something in my gut that told me it didn't matter, I would never be able to have my own children. Earlier this year I got so sick I couldn't take the pain anymore. Casey took me to the ER and I knew...I cried the entire way because I knew what the end result would be. I will never forget when my Dr walked in my hospital room and looked me in the eyes. He didn't have to say anything because I knew I had to make the decision, the decision I had always dreaded. I was going to have a hysterectomy. It was so crazy, I said it without any hesitation, God is what gave me the strength that day and every day since. I promise not all of my blogs are going to be so depressing, I just wanted to give my background.

Since the day of surgery, 8 weeks ago on Tuesday, I have had so much pain in my heart. My 6 week checkup I'm sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women, I literally busted out in tears...the kind where you are crying so hard you can't breathe....yes this seriously happened. I have been so mad at myself for being so selfish. I keep telling myself, "Brittany there are people who are dying of cancer, so what you can't have your own kid." I was blessed to be a part of an adoption when one of my best friends adopter her daughter and I think because of that journey and what a positive experience it was, I'm optimistic and excited about my future. God works in such mysterious ways, and I know we need to trust him, it just doesn't change the hurt we feel sometimes.

I was the little girl who dreamed of having a family one day. I know one day a child will bless my life, it's just my struggle right now. What  hurts is I will never have a child that looks like me and the man I marry, a child who will have our personality, a child who will be us. I'm sad I won't get to experience feeling a baby growing inside of me, hearing the heart beat, or having the bond a mom has with her baby. So now I look towards my future, my future is adoption. I'm excited that God chose me to save a child's life, what an honor. I just pray that one day I won't be angry, I won't be sad, I won't get emotional around pregnant women, that I will just have peace.

I believe as women we try to be so strong because we feel if we break down it makes us weak. Why is that? Why do we always need to be the strong one? That is just how God created us I guess! I strongly believe that having other women to relate to the journey we are on helps more than anyone can imagine. Knowing that your not on this journey alone....

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope it didn't bore you!!! I pray that whatever struggle you are going through, you find some sort of comfort and strength. Have a wonderful weekend...until my next blog!