Tears, hurt and the nasty beast... Hormones

If you would have asked me back when I had my surgery the emotions and feelings I would deal with after surgery, I would have never thought it would be what I'm feeling today and everyday. I want you all to know i don't blog for sympathy, I blog for myself to find courage and to help women who are struggling with similar situations.

Friends I am broken. This year has flat out sucked. Plain and simple it has sucked. I thought after surgery I would just deal with the feelings of never being able to have a baby, but the emotions are so much deeper. I ask you to not judge me and to not criticize with my blog I'm about to write. I ask you just keep me in your prayers and you embrace my honesty.

What so many of you don't know about me is my dark, emotional, mood swinging side that has surfaced since January. Why is it the person you love the most is the person you hurt the most? Casey, my sweet boyfriend and love of my life, has been my rock throughout all of this. However, he has remained silent about how hard times have been. He never knows the mood I will be in, what will make me snap, what to say, and the most heartbreaking of all... Who i am. Unfortunately right now I'm not the person he fell in love with, but he stays because he truly, deeply and completely loves me.

Hormones... I guess you can say that's what this blog is about. They are  scary. Women everywhere are dealing with this awful "symptom" and it's scary!!!! It sucks! It's a disease that has taken over our body. In the last year I have dealt with feelings I never have experienced . Suicidal thoughts, no I'm not suicidal, but when your hormones get the best of you the thought goes through your mind, crying all the time, anger, feeling like you have lost control of everything and of course feeling unattached. Never did I think hormones could be such a beast. Never did I think my hormones would be the devil in my relationship. However it's real, and these feelings are real. It's crazy how one day you wake up one person and the next you wake up feeling like someone else. There are days I feel like I have no idea what happened that day because I'm so dazed and unattached. Days I feel like I live 2 different lives. In front of everyone I'm bubbly and all is good, then I get home and I'm angry, and sad and bitter. Poor Casey is right! Can you imagine living with me? Neither can I and I feel guilty all the time! So now I pray harder than I ever have before. I pray that I will fight this and I won't let this craziness ruin my life. Ladies you aren't alone! If you are feeling anything like this just know you aren't alone!! We can get through this! Our God is so much bigger than all of this and he is putting us through this because he knows we have it! So let's support and love each other. No judgement, no criticism, just pure love! 

Please don't judge my blog and know that I wrote it with a humble and pure heart❤️

Broken... Weak... But faithful

Do you ever just feel like you get in a lull and sad for quite some time. I feel so vulnerable for this blog and that makes me so nervous for some reason. I'm one of those women that tries to always be strong and not break down. Well blog followers, your catching me at on an early morning and in a weak moment.

I'm so sad... I'm so broken and I'm so devastated that I can't have a baby. I don't want sympathy, I don't want anything, I just needed to let it out. IM SO SO SAD! Seems like lately it's all I think about. If I see a baby I wonder what mine would have looked like. I wonder what pregnancy would have been like to feel a baby grow inside me and the bond we would have had. I'm so bothered with people telling me it's ok honey, you can adopt. Yes, I know I can and I'm so thankful and excited about adoption being my future, but it doesn't take this pain away! I'm so tired of women who can pop babies out like tic tacs telling me that it's not a big deal. I'm not meaning this blog to be harsh and I'm so so sorry if it is, I just need to let it out. 

I think more than anything I'm so angry I can't see straight. I thought as the months went on it would get easier, but it's getting so much harder. I have let it consume me and I strongly believe that is me allowing the devil to work in my life and that's my fault! I have let my selfishness make my heart cold. I truly am excited about the baby I someday will adopt, I truly truly am. At the end of the day the part that hurts the worse is knowing I will never be a child's birth mom. I will never be their only mom.... I have cried countless nights and days to Casey and he probably thinks I'm in the middle of a nervous break down. Why is being a woman so hard? Our emotions, and let's not talk about the hormones!! I went to the dr the other day to get on some different medicine and told her to please let me feel like myself again! I seriously feel like I woke up after surgery a different person. It's absolutely insane and makes me feel crazy!!! Men have no idea what us as women endure haha!!

Thank y'all for reading my blog and I truly didn't mean to hurt anyone if I did. I just needed to let it out and honestly I'm vulnerable for the women who are going through the exact same thing I am. I just want you to know it's ok, your not alone. I'm praying for all of you who are fighting your own battle no matter what it may be. Thank y'all for the love and support you always show. 

My truth... My testimony

I can't believe I haven't blogged in almost 2 months. Trust me, it's not because I have nothing to say haha!! Lately I have just really tried to not blame myself and focus on my relationship with God. It's so crazy how things work out, and then you look back and think.... So that's why that happened. I guess you can say this is my testimony... It's just me opening up my story to all of you. I want y'all to know your not alone with your fears, thoughts and the process.

For those of you who don't know, I was married. No need to go into detail, just a piece of my life I wanted to share. The last year we were married I was hanging on by a thread and In my own selfishness I thought having a baby was going to fix our issues... And make us happy. I wasn't getting pregnant naturally, so I started infertility. Chlomid, shots, and tons of tests every month is what I did for 6 months. I drove to Austin weekly to have everything checked out and every month they would up my dosage and every month there was another negative pregnancy test. Every month my heart was broken because I yearned for a child. Then the day came, I still remember it like it was yesterday.. It was a Thursday evening... A young lady who I knew in the church called and said her best friend was pregnant and wanted to put the baby up for adoption, she thought of me and wanted to see if I would meet the young mother. I of course accepted and we planned to meet her the following week on Saturday. All week I put together a scrap book of our life and our family and friends, wanting this mom to pick me to be her unborn child's mom. Wednesday I began feeling different, can't quite explain it, I just knew something was going on in my body. Thursday night I went and pulled from my pregnancy test stash and took one, thinking it would be negative like all the others had. However it wasn't, it came up pregnant, so I took another and another and then went to the dollar store and bought 2 more packs, my dream had came true, I was pregnant. I called my mom and dad and got to give them the news they had always dreamed about, "your going to he grandparents!" I felt like my life was complete because I was going to be a mom. I was so sad though because the young girl we were suppose to meet would have to start all over. I called and told her the very next day, and as hard as it was, she was so sweet and shared such kind words. The following Monday I contacted my fertility clinic and told them no more appointments, I was pregnant!!! They said I still wasn't done  since I was on fertility drugs I had to do a series of tests. Never did I think it would lead to what it did. I went in for blood work Tuesday morning and that afternoon I got the call... The nurse said yes you are going to lose the baby in a couple of days. My heart dropped. One minute I'm thinking of names and planning the next 9 months and the next I'm being told I'm going to have a miscarriage. I called dr Stewart and he said we are staying positive because your levels can get better each day. I had blood work done on Wednesday, Thursday Friday and then met with him. I knew when he walked in the room it wasn't good. I was going to have a miscarriage sometime over the weekend and I did, I had a miscarriage exactly a week before Mother's Day. Since my hysterectomy I have blamed myself for so much. Thinking that because I got a divorce this is my punishment. However, I now see so much more and am so thankful for Gods plan for me. God knew my marriage wasn't right and I'm so thankful I didn't have to bring a child through divorce. I might have never met Casey who is my world now. Our God is so much bigger than what we could even imagine and we learn that in our own time. 

The day... Mother's Day

I believe as women we are presented with obstacles to show us the strength we have. I believe that God puts us in those situations to influence other women. Throughout this journey I have connected with women I have never met, and formed bonds with women who have shown me love and support because they are going through the same thing or have been through it. I feel so blessed to not feel alone... So blessed to have women reach out and say they are experiencing the same feelings.

First of all happy Mother's Day to those of you reading this who are moms! You are so loved, and so blessed!

As I'm writing this, I have tears streaming down my face. This weekend has probably been one of the toughest since my surgery. It just all really starts hitting hard. So instead of sitting here and having a pity party I'm going to make it a blog in honor of moms who have adopted! I believe the definition of a mom is those who are selfless, loving, devoted to their family, glue that holds everyone together, and are simply amazing. I have never truly thought you have to physically have a baby to be a mom! Is it hard to know we can't experience that, yes it is, but it's because of all of you that children have a warm bed and food on the table! It's because of you that children get to feel how it is to be truly loved. I think so often we get caught up with the 9 months of being pregnant... The heart beat, the sonogram, the gender reveal and the baby showers. Yes, that is what we all get hung up on... But your the mom to your child forever!!!! How lucky you both are! I'm so thankful that God has chosen us to have open hearts to adoption, he chose us to save a child's life. Not because it's easy, but because he knew we could do it. My day will one day come but for now I want to say thank you to those of you who have reached out to me and told your story! Your truly amazing! 

The pain in my heart will never go away, but I know it will lessen. The baby showers will get easier, the pregnancy announcements will not bother me so much, and I will not cry everytime I'm around a pregnant woman. It's not because I'm not excited for you who are pregnant, honestly, I'm just jealous! Yes I'm jealous, but you know what, it's ok, I'm ok!

Whatever is bothering you, give it to God. Once it's given to him, he will guide you through it. It won't be fixed overnight but the peace it brings you makes it all ok. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

Truth of my heart

I have a heavy, heavy but humble heart tonight. I haven't been blogging much because I have been very numb to all that has happened. That might sound selfish, or crazy, but I have just tried to make myself not think about it to get through the day. Until today....

Casey and I are visiting his precious family in Denison for Easter weekend. We went to this trade days in McKinney and I stumbled across this quote that made me smile but made my heart crumble all at once. It was a broken down pallet with the saying, " for this child, I prayed for." Some of you might be so lost to why it broke me, but some of you understand. Every night I pray for the day we get a phone call saying we have been chosen. Every day I pray about the day that we get to meet our first child and the selfless mother who gave the child up. It is that I have a heavy heart for tonight. It has taken me years to get to this point, but I truly want to speak my heart and hopefully it will touch at least one persons life.

Since my hysterectomy, and even before then I often wondered why me, why was I chosen to not have a baby. As I mentioned in an earlier blog it's so many times the women who don't have the desire to be a mom, or simply not ready. Tonight my blog is for the moms who have given their child up for adoption or the ones who are considering it. I want to say thank you, thank you for giving those of us a chance who without your selflessness wouldn't get to dream of the family we one day will have. I will never be able to imagine how hard it is to make the choice, but all I ask is one thing. For those of you considering adoption, if in your heart the baby isn't what you want, if you have goals you want to achieve, and a life you want to live I ask... Make the choice of adoption. Know that you are giving the miracle of life to those of us who can't have a baby. Know that the decision of adoption is the most selfless out there. Know that one day your biological child will love you because you wanted a better life for both them and you. I ask you to not have a baby because it seems fun, and you can play dress up. Don't have a baby because you don't want people to judge you if you give it up for adoption. Keep the baby because in your heart you know you can give it a better life than anyone else can. 

Adoption is a beautiful thing. It can save so many lives and bring happiness to so many lost souls. My blog tonight wasn't to lecture, wasn't to make anyone feel guilty, I just wanted to tell the real feelings of a woman who will never have a biological child. A woman who prays that another woman will choose her one day to raise her child. A woman who struggles every day, but as women we support each other and I will forever continue doing what I need to do.

Burdening those we love❤️

I told myself I didn't want to make this blog a pity party, and I truly hope all of you that read it know that. The comments and messages I received after my first blog was absolutely amazing. Thank you all for your love and support.

Have you ever felt that you burden someone? Or your bringing them down? Last night Casey and I went to a crawfish boil at one of my dearest friends house. We were all talking about if she had twins she would give me one. It was all in good fun, but Casey made the comment, "hey it's cheaper than adoption." I know that sweet man didn't mean a bad thing by it, just in my emotional, hormonal stage, I started crying.... Just another break down moment in front of a group of people. It just made me think how one day when we get married and start our adoption journey, because of me, I will put a financial burden on him with adoption. He has been my rock, my absolute rock throughout all this, it's just hard because I know I will never be able to give that man a baby. I often ask myself does it bother him? Do men want their own, even a small portion of how we thrive and pray for a baby? I ask and he continually says, I want you, your healthy, that's all that matters to me. Yes, he is amazing..... 

We got home last night, and were watching a movie and I lost it. I crawled in a ball and cried for 2 hours, crying so hysterically I couldn't breathe. Have you ever felt so lost, so sad, and there is nothing you can do to control it? That's how I felt.... So I closed my eyes and I prayed....

Why do we question Gods plan? Why can't we just trust he has this, his plan is so much bigger for us then we had planned for ourselves. I have been finding myself getting so upset when teens are getting pregnant, women who pray they don't get pregnant are getting pregnant. Why? Why is this happening but one day I will never have a baby? Then I think... I was chosen... God chose me to save a child one day... Rather than question that, I should thank him for blessing me with much more than I deserve. 

I definitely promise I won't be that annoying girl who blogs everyday.... I just wanted to share those thoughts and feelings. We may never know why things happen the way they happen, but if we could just put all of our trust in God... We would find our path.

Happy Sunday ❤️

Normalcy....what is that?

I'm sitting here typing and I can't believe I'm actually becoming a blogger. Well, I'm going to attempt it! Why did I start a blog? I want to one day have peace, i want to not be angry, or sad, and I want to help women who have the same struggles as I do every single day. With that..this is my journey

At the age of 13 I began having very serious female problems on a regular basis. I had my first of 8 surgeries...a DNC at 13. No, I wasn't pregnant..I just had cycles that would last 6 months. As the years went on, my problems would get even worse. I would go to doctor to doctor, and they looked at me like I was crazy. They didn't believe the pain I was telling them about. I would get so sick I would pass out, I missed school, and work, but the doctors still didn't believe me. Finally after sending me to a local Dr, we started finding out what was wrong. I had endometriosis as well as cysts that would continually rupture causing pain. This all was discovered 4 years ago and from then i averaged 2 surgeries a year. My mom was my best friend, she gave me hope that one day I would be pain free, and one day I would have a child. This past year I kept it in, the feeling of being in excruciating pain every single day. In June of last year I had cysts removed and my endometriosis scraped. My Dr told me he couldn't keep taking me into the OR, my body couldn't handle it. Every night I prayed that I would wake up and this pain would be gone. My boyfriend,Casey, my mom and I went to fertility clinics to talk about my options. There was just always something in my gut that told me it didn't matter, I would never be able to have my own children. Earlier this year I got so sick I couldn't take the pain anymore. Casey took me to the ER and I knew...I cried the entire way because I knew what the end result would be. I will never forget when my Dr walked in my hospital room and looked me in the eyes. He didn't have to say anything because I knew I had to make the decision, the decision I had always dreaded. I was going to have a hysterectomy. It was so crazy, I said it without any hesitation, God is what gave me the strength that day and every day since. I promise not all of my blogs are going to be so depressing, I just wanted to give my background.

Since the day of surgery, 8 weeks ago on Tuesday, I have had so much pain in my heart. My 6 week checkup I'm sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women, I literally busted out in tears...the kind where you are crying so hard you can't breathe....yes this seriously happened. I have been so mad at myself for being so selfish. I keep telling myself, "Brittany there are people who are dying of cancer, so what you can't have your own kid." I was blessed to be a part of an adoption when one of my best friends adopter her daughter and I think because of that journey and what a positive experience it was, I'm optimistic and excited about my future. God works in such mysterious ways, and I know we need to trust him, it just doesn't change the hurt we feel sometimes.

I was the little girl who dreamed of having a family one day. I know one day a child will bless my life, it's just my struggle right now. What  hurts is I will never have a child that looks like me and the man I marry, a child who will have our personality, a child who will be us. I'm sad I won't get to experience feeling a baby growing inside of me, hearing the heart beat, or having the bond a mom has with her baby. So now I look towards my future, my future is adoption. I'm excited that God chose me to save a child's life, what an honor. I just pray that one day I won't be angry, I won't be sad, I won't get emotional around pregnant women, that I will just have peace.

I believe as women we try to be so strong because we feel if we break down it makes us weak. Why is that? Why do we always need to be the strong one? That is just how God created us I guess! I strongly believe that having other women to relate to the journey we are on helps more than anyone can imagine. Knowing that your not on this journey alone....

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope it didn't bore you!!! I pray that whatever struggle you are going through, you find some sort of comfort and strength. Have a wonderful weekend...until my next blog!